The Dark(est) Side

HalfMarathon1thumbWeek: #10

Pounds Lost: 8

Pounds to Go: 122

Oh Boy! Another runDisney racecation in the books! Over the weekend, I took on the Inaugural Star Wars Dark Side Half Marathon, and let me tell you it was the darkest half of my life! Not because I had to wake up at 1:45am to get to the start on time, and not because the theme was the villainous dark side of Star Wars, but because it was my slowest and heaviest half marathon ever!

You know, research has shown that for every pound you weigh, you put about 4 pounds of pressure on your joints, especially knees and ankles. So, doing the math, I ran this past weekend with an additional 488 pounds of pressure! That’s in excess of the pounds of pressure my frame should have, but I won’t do the entire math equation for you because even the Fat-Free Mommy has to have some modesty! With all that added pressure, of course I would be slower than desired, snails pace even, and I own it! I didn’t go into the race expecting some running angel miracle of speed despite my size. I am this heavy because of bad choices, bad choices have consequences, and instead of a time-out, my consequence was slug like slowness.

So there I was, jalking along the course, not knowing a single character, because I have never seen a Star Wars movie, I know blasphemy, but it’s the truth. Stopping for characters wasn’t going to slow me down, that’s for sure, but my lack of speed still ignited a certain level of anxiety. If you don’t meet the pace requirements, you get swept, end of story. If you fall behind the sweepers, you don’t get to cross the finish line, you typically still get a medal, but really, who wants a medal they didn’t earn? Ok, a lot of people, but I am NOT one of them. For the first time, in 24 half marathons, I was terrified of being swept. Looking over my shoulder or around the corner probably wasted more energy than it was worth, but nevertheless my head was on a swivel. Then, by mile 11 I was surrounded by people who appeared to be in pain, with defeated looks on their faces. You can do it, and Are you ok? are words I would call out as I passed. One woman in particular that I saw, had rubbed her thighs so raw with the friction of movement that she was bleeding, to her I offered my emergency bottle of Aquaphor. At that moment it dawned on me, that even though I was much slower than I wanted to be, and much much larger than I wanted to be, I still wasn’t injured or defeated. I pushed myself, but not to the point of injury or pain, and I finished ahead of the sweepers by a couple of miles. I was ok. I did it. Sure, I was sore and exhausted in the two days that followed, but nothing that a little rest couldn’t cure.

Beyond anything, this weekend got me thinking… Yes, I am on a long journey back to health, but it could be worse. A lot worse. I have the means and the knowledge I need to be my own success story, and really that is all I need. No matter what, just like in the race, if I keep pushing forward, I will reach my goal line!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Advertisements

Bigger Than Myself

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 11.46.55 AMWeek: #7

Pounds Lost: 3

Pounds to go: 127

Selfishness and vanity, two very easy elements of life. Each one of us is both to a certain degree, and that is not only ok,  it is good. There are times when we need to put ourselves before anyone else, and there is no problem in wanting to look your best! I have done this weight loss journey in the past for me, for vanity, and even before for my kiddos, but this time, I am adding another level of who or what is driving me down this path of weight loss success.

We all know I am a runDisney obsessed mama who is determined to do all of the runDisney races at Walt Disney World. They are fun, they are challenging, and contrary to what others may say, they are worth every penny. So, it is no surprise that when runDisney announced a new challenge during the Wine and Dine race weekend, I was all about it… just take my money runDisney! However, when it was time to register as an annual pass holder, I was left on the sidelines without the secured race bib which I desired. No amount of refreshing my screen or attempts through multiple mobile devices was going to change those evil words…”sold out” . Of course I still had an opportunity to register a week later through general public registration, but I didn’t want to wait. I took it as a sign that for the first time, I should run for something much bigger than myself, or my little family, I should run for a cause!

So I searched through the plethora of charities offering race entry, and I was drawn towards the one that not only struck a personal chord but one that I was already passionate about. It didn’t hurt that my favorite fitness mommy, Jillian Michaels was connected to the cause as well! This year, I will be running as a part of #TeamHealthierGeneration and representing the Alliance for a Healthier Generation in the fight against Childhood Obesity! I couldn’t dream of a better organization for me to represent. I was an obese child, I currently am an obese mother, and when it comes to my children, I will stop at nothing to give them the healthiest lives possible! Children rely on parents and schools to teach them how to be healthy, and right now, 1 in 3 children just aren’t learning the right lessons. If we don’t make a change in what foods are available in schools, how much physical activity children have access to, and the quality of at-home nutrition, then our children will be a part of a generation doomed for disease. The Fat-Free Mommy just can’t let that happen!

Clearly I’m pumped about this opportunity, but one thing just didn’t fit. How can I lead the way towards a healthier tomorrow, if I am not my healthiest self? The Fat-Free Mommy may be many things, but I am NOT a hypocrite! Could you imagine? Hello, I’m Mrs. McObesity, I don’t live by the healthy ideas I promote, but I would love it if you would… yeah, no! So I am putting my money where my mouth is, and for every pound I lose, from now to race weekend, I will donate an additional dollar to My Donor Drive . I believe in this cause, and I believe in myself, which is all I need to succeed. A healthier tomorrow is on the way, one pound and one dollar at a time!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Bad Timing and New Obsessions

65050191Week #5

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds to go: 130

So, I’m pretty sure that committing myself to my healthy eating regime two weeks before my baby turned 5 was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Add that to the fact that she lost not only her first tooth, but her second as well in a weeks time, just compounded my failures in the eating department. Why? Well these are milestones, and the one person I want to share these milestones with more than anyone is the only person I can only have one sided conversations with, and really who knows if they are heard. She lost her first tooth, it was exciting, it was emotional and all I wanted to do was call my Dad. We called all of the other grandparents, and they shared in the excitement and joy over our growing little lady, but one very important person was left out. He would have been the happiest of all, and who knows if he knows it happened or if he is seeing her grow from somewhere beyond our reality. I think I would deal with things better if there was some way to actually communicate with the dead. Not some hoaky thing, and not some lady from New Jersey who can communicate on your  behalf, but an actual way to do it. Like a long distance relationship. You can’t see them, and that can be dealt with, but just to be able to talk… I would truly give anything for that, but not just once because that isn’t enough, I want to do it every Sunday, like we used to!

So my toothless princess turned 5 on Wednesday, and on the inside I am a wreck! She is growing so fast, and although she still snuggles every now and then, and says sweet and loving things, she is still growing and maturing and independenting all the time, yes I know thats not a real word but it sounded good. She is my baby, and all of this growing up stuff is really really hard. The less and less that she needs me, the more and more I want her to, and at the end of the day there really is only one person who I would want advice from on this… and I can’t get it. At the same time, I need to stop being this person who needs him so much. He’s gone. That cannot be changed, and I cannot go into a binging spiral for every developmental milestone of my children. I need to figure out something new! Needless to say, this time, I ate cake and crackers and cheese and cookies and really anything that was within my grasp because that’s how I deal with the things I cannot control. It isn’t ideal or how I want to deal with things, but for now that is how I am wired. The scale of course went in the wrong direction, but that was to be expected.

I consulted with one of my favorite people on the planet, and we got to talking about how we become obsessively involved in things. Both of us have had our struggles with food, it is our addiction. Sometimes we can replace that addiction with online shopping for leggings that we don’t need, or with exercise, both viable alternatives to eating like we are prepping for hibernation, but both equally as unhealthy when taken to extremes. So, what can we focus that addictive energy on that would actually be healthy? We both thought of gardening, but let’s be real, it is Africa hot outside in Florida and I do not have a green  bone in my body so gardening would not be an addiction that would last for more than a minute and a half. Taking up some kind of art came up, but again I have no skill, and where there is no skill there will be no addiction. So, we came to cleaning. Cleaning benefits the entire family, is active in its own way, and I have two kids so there is an endless supply of cleaning activities… this could be perfect! Of course, I won’t be going full on Danny Tanner or anything, I do want my kids to have fun in their own house, but substituting cleaning for binge eating, or obsessively exercising, or online shopping may just be the key to not only my weight loss success, but to coping with the un-controlables of life. Yes, I think this will work, and I am going to give it a try!

So, here’s to a happy new start and just in time for Spring! A clean, happy, and healthy house is just what 2016 ordered!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Toddler Truths

Mother-And-Daughter-Quotes-and-Sayings-12Week: #3

Pounds Lost: 5

Pounds To Go: 125

 

Whew! I made it through an entire week of being on track! Well, maybe not an entire week, there were a couple of moments of weakness, but overall, a much better weeks than the 52 weeks prior! So, what brought on my new found laser focus, you know other than not wanting to be the Fatty McFatMom any more? Well, it all boils down to a little conversation I had with my princess. Not really a heart to heart by any means, and surely not one that will resinate with her, but one that will stick with me… forever.

Last week, while driving to her ballet class, she asked me that question that you never want to hear, no not the birds and the bees, but this one, Mommy, why is your belly so big? Out of nowhere like a Mack truck, one simple question smacked me in the face and changed my outlook entirely. To her I said, because Mommy eats to much. Simple answer, totally thought the conversation would end, but there was one more question… Mommy, why do you eat so much? Well damn, my four year old princess is posing the question that I have been trying to rationalize for my entire life. To her I said, I don’t know but I am going to stop, which ended the conversation, at least the one I was having with her. However, the conversation I would have with myself was just beginning.

Why do I eat so much? Yes,  I am an emotional and stress eater. Yes, I tend to binge when faced with troubling thoughts or conversations. Yes, my body doesn’t really have a full filter until it is painfully full. But really, aren’t those all excuses for just not dealing with issues or being able to put on my big girl panties and cope with life? Food clearly does not solve ANYTHING so why do I do it? I suppose my answer to my princess was the most honest. I don’t know. However, what I do know is that she is now of the age where she recognizes my super sized mid section, and my appearance somehow has an effect on her day, and that is not ok. I have visions of moments from those dramatic movies or shows where the daughter is ashamed of her mother or in some way is bullied because of her mother’s appearance. Again, I am not ok with that! Those visions are more like nightmares, and I will do anything to avoid those types of situations! In the grand scheme of movie moms I would much rather be on the Leigh Anne Touhy side of the spectrum!

Mommyhood is the most rewarding experience for so many reasons. Beyond the snuggles and kisses, are the inspirations and motivations you can find in your children. My princess is helping me become the healthiest version of me, just simply by being her honest and inquisitive self.  So thank you Princess, I love you more than anything in the world, and my love for you is inspiring and creating a new and genuine love for myself.

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Fat Princess Will NOT Be Fat Fairy!

dreams2Week: #2

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds To Go: 130

It’s no shocking news that I participated in this past weekend’s runDisney Princess Half Marathon Races. I completed the 5K, the 10K, and the half marathon over my three day weekend adventure. Were my finish times a source of pride? Not really, but that wasn’t really my goal for the weekend either. My goal was to finish injury free. The truth is, I am acutely aware of my size and what it means in relation to my running. For every 1 pound of weight, a total of 4 pounds of pressure is placed on those ever so necessary knees. So currently, having an extra 130 pounds on my body equates to… wait for it… 520 EXTRA POUNDS OF PRESSURE!!! That’s a reality weight-loss show sized person of pressure! For this past weekend, I was definitely a Fat Princess, still a princess for sure, but a fat one! This weekend was the largest I have ever been for a half marathon, so, I took it slow, and completed each race pain free. Am I sore? Um yeah! Of course I am, but I still played in the Disney parks after each race, and taught Baby Boot Camp this morning, so obviously I am injury free.

Beyond the pressure of my knees, I found myself not wanting to take as many pictures and didn’t feel as royal as I maybe could have. I wouldn’t say I was discouraged, ok maybe I would, but I just don’t like having pictures of myself in this state. However, there were some truly amazing characters along the course, so I had to suck it up like a buttercup and take my Fat Princess pictures. I was accepting of the fact that there was no one else to blame for me being a fat princess except for myself. I ate my royal cake and now it was time to pay for it. Even with the disappointment surrounding my stature, I still had an amazing experience, and found myself looking towards the next Glittery Ovary Explosion of a race weekend that is Tinkerbell Race Weekend in May. During that weekend I will also be doing the 5K, 10K, and half marathon, but this time I will not be a Fat Fairy!

I am determined to make Tinkerbell Race Weekend one of celebration. One of being able to take pictures without being so self-conscious. I will wear the race attire I love and not avoid wearing my favorite tanks because I have too much back fat. I will not be the Fat Fairy who finished races despite the limitations of her size. I will be the Fit Fairy who more so looks the part of the runDisney fanatic, who I most certainly am. Am I expecting to be at my goal weight by May? Yeah, NO! I am not a lunatic! I know that losing that much in that little time is not even remotely possible, nor will I be resorting to any unhealthy behaviors in order to reach a weight loss goal in an unreasonable amount of time. What I will be doing is sticking to my plan. Putting my goals ahead of my excuses, and making sure that every choice I make in regards to food is one that will take me one bit closer to the Fat-Free Mommy I am determined to be, and by Princess  weekend next year, I will be a Fat-Free Princess too!

 

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

A Different Mardi Gras Celebration

mardi-gras-2014-memes-funny-2Week: #1

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds To Lose: 130

Oh, it’s been a while! Too long really, and I could give the myriad of Fatty McFatGirl excuses… no time, miss my Dad, hard to focus while raising two toddlers, but really, those are just excuses for not focusing on what I want for me, and my health, and the health of my family. At my current state, I am truly uncomfortable in my own skin. And although I truly embrace the leggings as pants movement, they are much cuter when paired with fun boots and a cute top, rather than a baggy sweatshirt and tennis shoes! I have entered into Fatty Frumpville, I may even be the mayor, but today, I am taking the first step on stepping down from my post and away from the comfort of being fat. Fat is comfortable, fat is easy, but fat isn’t pretty, and fat isn’t healthy, and fat doesn’t make you feel as snuggly as it should.

Since today is Mardi Gras, which of course translates to Fat Tuesday, I thought it only fitting to restart this little online diary and  really make a change. I know how to lose weight, I know exactly what to eat, how to exercise, and the best part is, I know what works for my body. Really, the hard stuff has already been figured out. Now, I just need to stick to the plan and not let the triggers of stress or sadness set off binge eating alarms. Looking at the big picture, I really do have a blessed and wonderful life. I have a wonderfully patient and loving husband, two beautiful and happy children, a house to live in, and enough resources to be able to choose healthy foods. I don’t say this to brag, but more to remind myself of everything in my life that is worth celebrating. The stressful and sad elements of life which are out of my control have been consuming me, or I’ve been consuming them… in mass amounts of gluten free cookies, crackers, and cheese! Either way, it’s time to alter my focus. It’s time to celebrate!

So, here we go!

Little Happy Dances

IMG_3770Week # 5

Pounds lost this week: 4.8

Overall pounds lost: 26.4

Pounds to go to Goal #1: ZERO!!!

Pounds to go to Goal #2: 12

Overall pounds to go: 94

They say, the number on the scale doesn’t define you, it is just a number,  but let’s be honest, that number can set the tone for your entire day. If it’s less than expected, an obligatory happy dance ensues, if it’s higher than expected, everyone better watch out for the cranky train. Do I have an unhealthy relationship with Madame Scale? Probably. But, I also know I’m not alone. Is it a relationship I want to pass down for generations to come? No! Of course not! That’s why we are making healthy family life choices now!

Well, this week was full of little happy dances, it was exciting, and I felt like Madame Scale was somehow rewarding me for a job well done. Every morning I would get on, see a change and immediately started my little happy dance.  My activity level is still the same as it always has been, alternating running and Baby Boot Camp. The change was in the kitchen! I am finally on a roll of healthy eating, and it has clearly made all the difference! My ways in the Fat-Free Mommy kitchen may not work for everyone, but who am I to keep them from you… Here’s what I’ve been focusing on:

  • Small Frequent Meals – I eat a small higher protein snack about every 2 hours with a bigger meal for lunch. Based on the philosophy that if you keep feeding the fire pieces of good wood, you will keep the fire burning awesome flames. Same works for your body, don’t let your body get to the point of grumbling tummy noises before you eat again, keep the fire burning, but just make sure this doesn’t turn into some kind of grazing cow scenario.
  • So Long Sugar – Did you know that the American Heart Association recommends a limit of 20g of sugar per day for women and a limit of 30g per day for men? I dare you to take a look at the labels of what you are eating and calculate how many grams of sugar you are taking in! Excess sugar in your system cannot be used, and is converted into stored FAT! Even things that are labeled low-fat  or fat-free can be high in sugar which can make the fat in your body grow!
  • Bye Bye Bread… And Pasta – Breads and pastas and chips, oh my! They are a Fat-Free Mommy weakness for sure! If I had the type of self-control that would let me stop at a proper portion then these items may have been able to stick around, but the truth is, I am, at this point in life, unable. Being on the Gluten Free side of life helps me keep those temptations at bay. I would much rather get my carbohydrate calories from vegetables and fruits anyway, because you get to eat WAY MORE! Do I want a 1/2 cup of past or an entire half of a spaghetti squash? No brainier! Fill that plate with squash!!!
  • Hello Hydration – Water, water, and more water! 1/2 my body weight in ounces as a baseline to be exact! (Add in another 32oz per hour of sweaty exercise) We have all heard about how important hydration is when it comes to weight loss, or life in general really, and it’s absolutely true! If your body is even 1% dehydrated your systems, including your metabolism, will not work at their optimum levels!

So there you have it, all my secrets, which really aren’t secrets at all. Weight loss is all about paying attention to what and when you are fueling your body. When your body is given the right amounts of everything it needs, it will thank you, and so will Madame Scale, it really is that simple. So here’s to many happy dances to come, and maybe a little healthier relationship with Madame Scale.

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

The Hero and the Dwarf

walt-disney-quoteWeek #4

Pounds lost this week: 5.2

Overall Lost: 21.6

Pounds to go to Goal #1: 2.8

Overall Pounds to go: 99.8

My gracious, what a week it has been! It all started last Tuesday with the general public registration for the runDisney Avengers weekend in California. Now, California doesn’t have as big of a draw for me because; a) it’s across the country and traveling that far with two toddlers is just well, let’s just say it’s an adventure all in and of itself, and b) I don’t particularly like that the Disneyland races are, for the most part, on the everyday streets of the surrounding city. It just doesn’t have the same magic for me as running through purely Disney streets. Nevertheless, come registration day I was curious. Have you ever registered for a  runDisney event before? Well, if you haven’t let me tell you it is quite a rush! You know the time and the day it starts, and there you are, if you’re smart, about ten minutes prior just waiting for the registration link to go live. It finally does after refreshing your screen in a somewhat methodical manner, and within a flash you are entering your information and signing your running legs away to be a part of some of the most magical running moments imaginable. On top of that, events have been selling out within minutes lately, so you have to be on your registration A game!

So, there I was, on regular registration day for the Avengers race weekend, not the annual pass holder early registration day that I normally would pay attention to, and I noticed something a bit odd. The challenge race combo, the only one I would have registered for because I am addicted to runDisney challenges, was not selling out as fast as would be expected. I then looked to the date of the races, and as fate would have it, the races that celebrate heroes are on the anniversary of the death of my life’s biggest hero, my Dad. I put my little man down for a nap, checked on the registration again, and still no sell out. I took it as a sign that I should honor my hero by running in the race for heroes! And just like that we are heading to California not once, but twice this year! I feel good about it, because let’s face it, if I were to be at home that weekend, without the distraction of races and special parties, I would be.. Eating cake… On the couch, and just feeling sad. Now, that weekend can be a celebration, and there may be a cupcake involved, but at least I will have run 19.3 miles!

So, now, fast forward to today, and it’s early registration day for the Walt Disney World Marathon Weekend, or in the Fat-Free Mommy house, Dopey weekend! Oh the anxiety surrounding today and being online at exactly the right time. My heart was racing, I was breathing fast, and then within minutes, it’s done. I am officially going to jalk all four races of the Dopey Challenge… Again! Who am I! Seriously, who am I? Not even 3 years ago I would have never even thought I could do the Dopey Challenge, now it seems as though it will be something I do every year! Again, who am I?!? I know I still have a long journey of weight loss and training ahead, but I can’t help but be amazed at myself. Who I have become health-wise, and who I also look forward to becoming.

I know that my experience in this upcoming Dopey will be very different than my first, and not because I know what to expect, but because physically I will be a much different person. I will reach my goal before the first Dopey race day, which will mean that I will be racing 110 pounds lighter! That’s 440 less pounds of pressure on my knees, just that difference alone will make for a compete change in experience. And you know what, I can’t wait! I am so extremely excited! I won’t be the Fatty McFatGirl who can accomplish amazing fitness goals in spite of her weight. This past year, I couldn’t help but think people were looking at me, at my size, and wondering what I was doing there. Like I didn’t belong doing Dopey because I couldn’t possibly finish it, it would be so dangerous for someone my size. I felt like an outsider wanting to be a part of the cool kids fitness club. This upcoming year I just won’t have that cloud of self-conscious yuckiness. I will be the healthy fit mama who looks like she belongs among the athletes. I will feel as though people will then look at me as the fit mama who can accomplish amazing fitness goals because she has trained hard to do so. I know that in the reality of both situations, no one was really paying attention to me, but hi, I’m a self-conscious person, so in my head, everyone is a Judgy McPhearson. Either way, registration is over, I have come down from the high, and now it’s back to my journey! So, let’s go! I’ve got some major training to do!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

Betting on Myself

 

 Week: #1

Pounds Lost: 14

Pounds to go to goal #1: 10.4

Pounds to go to overall goal: 107.4

Ok, ok, so I know this is pretty much the umpteenth time I have indicated week #1 status, but I promise… I swear… No, better, I fully commit myself to staying on my Fat-Free Mommy path of health and happiness! Why am I more confident this week? Is it because I weighed myself after my princess’ birthday weekend and almost cried? Is it because the only finger my beautiful and cherished wedding ring will fit on is my pinky? Is it because modeling a healthy and happy life is the best way to be an awesome mommy? Well, really it’s all of those wrapped in a box of Fat-Free Mommy hopes and dreams topped with a sparkling bow made of … money. Wait, what? Yes, losing weight is going to make me some cold hard cash! 

Have you ever heard of Diet Bet? Essentially it’s gambling on the surest bet… Yourself! You can enter a game for a small fee along with strangers and friends, and after a month if you have lost 4% of your body weight, then you get to split the pot! Some pots are small, others are multiple thousands of dollars, none of them will make me a literal millionaire, but I will certainly feel like a million bucks when I reach my goals! 

I’ve also put other success tools to good use. I always tell people that doing a couple things will set you up for success. But following my own advice has never been my forte. This time, I’m listening! 

  1. Write it down! Write down what you want to happen and how you are going to do it, then just keep writing. Food journals and a way to release your thoughts along your journey are essential tools.
  2. Make small attainable goals so you can feel small successes along your road to your big success! 

So, I took this oversized happy hiney to get a notebook with an obscene amount of blank pages, because it’s a long journey,  a pink pen, because it means more when you write in pink, and I started planning! 

My mission statement has been made, my monthly goals have been calculated, and I am ready for all of the success that is coming my way. I am finally feeling like I am out of my life drama funk, thanks to the support and love around me, and I feel, for the first time in months, that I can take on the weight-loss world! This Fat-Free Mommy is ready, armed with strength and determination. So, Diet betters beware… the Fat-Free Mommy house always wins!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

The Biggest Loser’s Forgiveness

Week: #1

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds To Go: 107

A couple weeks ago, I got to be a running princess once again, and I loved every minute and every mile of Disney’s Princess Half Marathon weekend. 22.4 total miles (5k, 10k, and a half marathon) later and I have to say that my best memory from the weekend wasn’t from any of the races, although they were absolutely wonderful, but my best memory is from a five minute breakdown of a conversation with a weight loss celebrity.   Danni Allen of The Biggest Loser fame was scheduled to be a speaker at the Fit for a Princess Expo, and I was beyond excited to see her. In season 14, she won the Biggest Loser, I watched her lose her weight, I watched her win, and I identified with her all those years ago, because she was inspired to lose weight by a traumatic health experience with her Dad. Us Fatty McDaddy’s Girls need to stick together, right? Well fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was pumped full of weight loss energy, and ready to totally geek out and get my picture taken with a weight loss idol.

Seeing her talk was amazing, yes she was a celebrity, but she was real,  and she seemed like a friend up on that stage. She spoke of taking weight loss one day at a time, and making small changes in order to make an eventual big change, giving up the scale obsession and focusing on the fit of clothes. She was lovely, and I sat there just soaking in her weight loss positivity. Her speaking time came to end and it was time for what we had all been waiting for, time to actually meet her, ask questions, and of course take a social media postable photo. When it came to my turn, even with a line up of women behind me, I took the opportunity to do the unthinkable. After our photo, I said I had a question for her and then it happend… I completely broke down.  Even as it was happening, I was telling myself not to cry, don’t let it all out, but I was powerless. I told her how she inspired me because I too was a Daddy’s girl. I told her how after having my daughter I lost 220 pounds, felt amazing, and then put 120 of it back on to have my son. I told her through embarrassing tears how my Dad passed in November and how a since then my weight loss has stalled and gone in the way wrong direction, and how I just can’t seem to get a grip on it and turn the weight loss train around.  At that point I was ugly crying, apologizing for crying, and she did just what a friend would do… She gave me the biggest, most sincere hug. Then she gave me the advice that only she could give. You need to forgive yourself, she said, and she was absolutely right. 

I am sad, I miss my Dad, and for the most part, I can be strong, I can put on a brave face and go on with life’s progress. But then, there are other times, ironically today is very much one of those other  times, when the tears flow, the flashes of his death take over my vision, and I feel lost and alone. Typically, that will result in a binge,  and it doesn’t really matter what food I turn to, my ability to have self control is completely gone. At some point I will snap out of it, gain control, but by that point, I will have also gained a pound or five, or ten depending, which leaves me as a shell of strength, hating myself for not having it all together. It’s a cycle that I need to break, and that every week I work on breaking, but what I really need to do first is eactly what Danni said, I need to forgive myself. I need to take it one day at time, and realize that this time around, weight loss may not be as easy, but I can’t and I won’t give up.

I am so thankful for my embarrassing moment with Danni. It was a small piece of an exciting weekend that truly meant the world to me. I may not ever see her again, but I am a forever fan, and she has helped me more than she may ever know. I am still very much a work in weight loss progress, but I can do this. I will reach my goals. It will take a while, but I will be the Fat-Free Mommy who I know I can be!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy