Bad Timing and New Obsessions

65050191Week #5

Pounds Lost: 0

Pounds to go: 130

So, I’m pretty sure that committing myself to my healthy eating regime two weeks before my baby turned 5 was probably the worst idea I have ever had. Add that to the fact that she lost not only her first tooth, but her second as well in a weeks time, just compounded my failures in the eating department. Why? Well these are milestones, and the one person I want to share these milestones with more than anyone is the only person I can only have one sided conversations with, and really who knows if they are heard. She lost her first tooth, it was exciting, it was emotional and all I wanted to do was call my Dad. We called all of the other grandparents, and they shared in the excitement and joy over our growing little lady, but one very important person was left out. He would have been the happiest of all, and who knows if he knows it happened or if he is seeing her grow from somewhere beyond our reality. I think I would deal with things better if there was some way to actually communicate with the dead. Not some hoaky thing, and not some lady from New Jersey who can communicate on your  behalf, but an actual way to do it. Like a long distance relationship. You can’t see them, and that can be dealt with, but just to be able to talk… I would truly give anything for that, but not just once because that isn’t enough, I want to do it every Sunday, like we used to!

So my toothless princess turned 5 on Wednesday, and on the inside I am a wreck! She is growing so fast, and although she still snuggles every now and then, and says sweet and loving things, she is still growing and maturing and independenting all the time, yes I know thats not a real word but it sounded good. She is my baby, and all of this growing up stuff is really really hard. The less and less that she needs me, the more and more I want her to, and at the end of the day there really is only one person who I would want advice from on this… and I can’t get it. At the same time, I need to stop being this person who needs him so much. He’s gone. That cannot be changed, and I cannot go into a binging spiral for every developmental milestone of my children. I need to figure out something new! Needless to say, this time, I ate cake and crackers and cheese and cookies and really anything that was within my grasp because that’s how I deal with the things I cannot control. It isn’t ideal or how I want to deal with things, but for now that is how I am wired. The scale of course went in the wrong direction, but that was to be expected.

I consulted with one of my favorite people on the planet, and we got to talking about how we become obsessively involved in things. Both of us have had our struggles with food, it is our addiction. Sometimes we can replace that addiction with online shopping for leggings that we don’t need, or with exercise, both viable alternatives to eating like we are prepping for hibernation, but both equally as unhealthy when taken to extremes. So, what can we focus that addictive energy on that would actually be healthy? We both thought of gardening, but let’s be real, it is Africa hot outside in Florida and I do not have a green  bone in my body so gardening would not be an addiction that would last for more than a minute and a half. Taking up some kind of art came up, but again I have no skill, and where there is no skill there will be no addiction. So, we came to cleaning. Cleaning benefits the entire family, is active in its own way, and I have two kids so there is an endless supply of cleaning activities… this could be perfect! Of course, I won’t be going full on Danny Tanner or anything, I do want my kids to have fun in their own house, but substituting cleaning for binge eating, or obsessively exercising, or online shopping may just be the key to not only my weight loss success, but to coping with the un-controlables of life. Yes, I think this will work, and I am going to give it a try!

So, here’s to a happy new start and just in time for Spring! A clean, happy, and healthy house is just what 2016 ordered!

XOXO, 

Fat-Free Mommy

The Greatest Loss

This week I am going to take a break from writing about the usual weight-loss and mommyhood topics, although as a side note I am back on the healthy eating wagon and have already lost 8 pounds! Even with that success, I need to take a moment to get more personal. To use this little online diary as a way to cope and shuffle myself through the process of grief. Because this week I lost much more than any number on the scale. This week, and to be specific, at 3:53pm on Friday, I lost my Dad.

My Dad, was in short, the most wonderful man on the planet. As a boy he grew up in an orphanage, only to emerge with a positive spirit into his first foster home at 16. He excelled in sports through college, and was adored as a teacher throughout his career, but what he was most amazing at was being a father. He raised me on his own, certainly not small undertaking by any means, and we functioned as a pair. Just me and him, for the majority of my life, and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Almost eight years ago, we got the news, the news that limited time. Stage 3 colon cancer had been detected and there was no telling how much time we had left, but we knew all of it would be borrowed. Well, he fought harder than anyone so he could see my dreams come true. He made sure to dance with me at my wedding, and to see me become a mother. And for a short time, my princess was the dancing spirit he needed to fight just a little bit harder. A few months back he had yet another round of radiation to try and rid his body of the disease that would never be cured, but this time he never got to feel better. The relief wasn’t coming, so somehow he had to know it was time.

Late Wednesday evening, I got the call, the call I had been dreading for so long, the call letting me know that the end was very near. He had entered into hospice home care and had rapidly declined. I needed to be with him. So, first thing in the morning I packed up the kids and we went to his bedside. His body was there, but it had already visibly changed so much since the time we saw him last, just over a month prior. His face and eyes were starting to sink and there was a gurgle with each breath he took. Looking around the room he was in, there were pictures, of only one person, my princess, and they were everywhere. He opened his eyes and smiled when we walked in the room. It was a little much for my royals to handle so I made it quick and told him how much I loved him multiple times, much like a broken record. In a weakened voice he struggled and forced out an I love you too, then began to cough. The nurse came in, helped to soothe, and after a while we were on our way with the promise of tomorrow’s return. That night, I didn’t sleep, I lay awake staring at my phone, mortified at the thought of it ringing. Friday morning finally came, and in the afternoon I rushed to be back at his side, just me this time.

I got there and he had declined. I said my hello and my I love you and went to get the brief from the nurse. The phrase he’s in a stage of actively dying hit me like a freight train. I wasn’t ready to not need him. I wasn’t ready to let him go. But I knew that I needed to tell him I would be ok. After another visitor left his room, I rushed in. I still had things he needed to hear. So, I held his hand and I played him a video of my princess telling him how much she loved him, and I heard his gurgled breath. Then I said I love you so much, and we are going to be ok, it’s ok for you to go. One more gurgled breath, and then… Silence. He was gone. I waited there still holding back the tears, holding his hand, just the two of us, and still telling him how much I loved him. Then I walked out to tell the others that he had gone. His wife went in, the nurse came back, and he was officially pronounced. I helped the nurse give him his final sponge bath along with his wife, her on one side and me on the other. Helping him to leave this earth in the best way possible. Then all we had to do was wait for the funeral/cremation folks to collect his body.

They were about two hours from arrival, so after talking with the social worker about grief, I went to do what I instinctively needed to do. I went back into his room and sat by his bedside, holding his hand, just the two of us, until the man came to take him away. I gave him his very last I love you, Daddy , a kiss on the forehead, and then he was on his way. I left shortly after because my relationship with my step-mother is only slightly better than those in fairy tales, so there was no reason to stay.

I now go in cycles of strength, to complete breakdown drowning in tears, to numb. By some magical power, I have not turned to food but to exercise, but even that only gives a brief escape from the cycle. I see those last few moments with him every time I close my eyes. I started out in this world in his arms, and he left this world in mine. It was just as it should be, regardless of how sad it was. I am selfishly devastated, but I know he is in a better place. A place of peace where there is no pain, no pills to take, or port to clean. I know that eventually, I will close my eyes and his last breath won’t be there. I know, that eventually, I will get used to the pain of him being gone. I know that I will see him in moments, and feel his presence , and that he will somehow still be watching out for me. But… For now… I’m lost without him. I am crushed, pieces of me are missing, and I am doing what I can to slowly piece myself back together.

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

IMG_0208.JPG

Beauty Queens and Onederland

Week: #34
Pounds Lost: 69
Pounds To Go: 76

Super exciting week here in the Fat-Free Mommy house… I am finally back in Onederland, and it feels amazing! Looking down and seeing that old friend, number 1, was a more than welcomed change from Madame Scale… Happy dances all around and the happiness has yet to wear off. I still have a long way to go before my goals are met, but for some reason, just the sight of that 1 makes everything seem a little more doable, easier even, as if it is all downhill from here. Granted it is a big hill to go down, but nevertheless, I’m on it and I’m not going to alter the course of this downward excursion.

But enough about my excitement… Recently another body image/weight issue has gotten the twittersphere in quite the tizzy, and of course I feel compelled to share my opinion, not that it matters in the slightest, but the twitter response had me a tad annoyed. So what was the issue? None other than the Miss USA pageant, or more importantly the non-top 10 contestant from Indiana. If you haven’t heard about her, stop now and read this! Ok, now that we are all in the know, let’s discuss…

Let’s be honest here… This “curvier” than most beauty queen is still reportedly a size 4, weighing in at 135-137 pounds standing 5’8″ tall. Homegirl may not be twigtastic, but she is still sample size skinny and less than half the size of most American women, sad sad fact, but it’s true. Sure she has a little more meat on those bones, but she is more like a lean chicken wing than a porterhouse steak or pork chop! So is she “curvy”? I would say she’s athletic, but not curvy. I mean if someone says “curvy” I think of the entertaining Sophia Vergera, who is 5’7 and size 4-6, or the vapid Kim Kardashian who at 5’2″ has also claimed to be a size 4-6 but I think her clothes may have a tad more Lycra or spandex in them. Now those ladies, are what I would consider curvy, no rolls, not fat, but if you put them in a skin tight dress, the actual outline of their bodies would be a curved line. As for Miss Indiana, she even put on weight right before the competition, so as “normal” or “curvy” as she appears, I don’t think her story is as thrilling a it is hyped up to be.

However, I am inspired by Miss Arizona , a contestant who lost 40 pounds after giving up gluten due to celiac disease, who then aspired to become a model. She wasn’t naturally thin, or always a beauty queen, but she overcame an obstacle and changed her body in order to achieve a goal. Now, that’s an inspirational story.

Some may see these televised beauty circuses as outdated body-image-issue creating fiascos, but I happen to like them. These women are confident and poised examples of beauty, who typically set goals and achieve them. Do they look like the average American woman? Of course not! They aren’t supposed to! No one wants to see a parade of overweight women in yoga pants, there isn’t anything inspiring about that. But, seeing an example of beauty and fitness like these women, will motivate any of us, who are watching in our yoga pants from our comfy couches, to actively create healthier and more beautiful versions of our own bodies. Now, do I aspire to be a beauty queen, no, not at all, but like those beauty queens I do want to be a role model of womanhood to little girls, well just one really, and for her, I also want world peace.

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

“Can I” vs. “May I”

Week: #50

Pounds lost: 123.8

Pounds to go: 25.2

Parents, teachers, and grammar enthusiasts taught us from a very young age the difference between can and may. Can, implying the actual ability to do something, and may is the one that actually asks permission. I know many of us don’t need the grammar refresher course, but in the adventures of this past weekend, the difference between can and may came into play.

This past weekend, was special, exciting, and anxiety driven in many ways. My beautiful baby girl and I made the big trek across the country to the homeland of Seattle to celebrate a very special birthday for my mom. Traveling by air always includes elements of adventure when traveling with a toddler, but thankfully I have been blessed by the travel angels and my little girl actually travels quite well, even when smooshed into a window seat on mommy’s lap next to rather large Russian Amway salespeople. Oh yes, that was an adventure indeed, but not quite an adventure worthy of details here. However, the big adventure for the big birthday definitely is worthy of detail sharing. Celebrating a big birthday often goes hand in hand with crossing something off of the bucket list. (What did we ever do before that movie made the term bucket list a part of mainstream vocabulary? A life to-do list just doesn’t have the same ring.) Well, on my mom’s bucket list was a little activity called zip-lining. So off to the Northwest Trek we went and more excitingly to the adventure course that included a zip-line or two.

The course that we braved included a climbing wall and various obstacles that needed to be crossed which included a cable tight-rope, bridges, rope/net things, and other challenges located 17 feet in the air that made my joints shake and my heart race. Crossing the cable tight-rope quite literally made a tree-hugger out of me as I embraced the large sturdy fir-tree when I finally reached the platform which meant the end of the tight-rope. Zip-lining was amazing, and the easy part of the adventure course. Through the entire course I would mentally chant you can do this! My ability to complete the course was not an awe-inspiring accomplishment in my eyes though, as it was the mid-level course that hundreds of 8 year olds have completed. The amazing part for me, was the fact that one short year ago I was over the weight-limit to even attempt the course. If we had this celebration last year, it wouldn’t be an issue of ability, I could say can can can until the cows came home, but if I had said may I do this, the answer would have been a loud and clear no! Not this year though, I am well under the weight-limit, over 100 pounds under the weight-limit to be exact, and knowing that accomplishment motivated me beyond the fear of falling, beyond any fear of heights, and through the trees of the forest to the end of the adventure course. In the end, it was a great adventure that I wouldn’t trade for the world, and I am so beyond proud of my mom for adding a check mark to her bucket list. It was an amazing experience to share with her, and I am so happy that I could participate.

Losing weight does more than improve your health, it really can open up a whole new world full of experiences that would have otherwise been closed. The world of adventures becomes a world of can vs. can’t instead of a world of can vs. may. The mental ability or physical ability to complete an adventure course is something that you decide, but the permission to even try is out of your hands when Madame Scale says that you are over the safety weight-limit. Being shunned from adventurous activities because of your weight can implant a mental block of can’t. For me, in my former fatty days, if I knew there was a weight limit assigned to an activity, I would automatically tell myself that I can’t, I can’t because I am afraid, or I can’t because I could get hurt, not ever acknowledging the real reason, I can’t because I’m too fat. It is much easier to blame fear than to blame fat for not doing something, somehow the shame in being afraid is much easier to bear than the shame in being fat. Well, good-bye fat shame and hello adventure course! I came, I climbed, I crossed, and I zipped, but most importantly I took charge of the course because I took charge of my health.

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

Fat-Free Fraud No More

Week: #47
Pounds lost: 123.8
Pounds to go: 25.2

And… I’m back! After weeks of saying that I would get back on track and and weeks of failed attempts, I decided to take last week away from the blogosphere and really get back on the path of health success. I had been saying that I would get back on track only to end up failing and quite honestly flailing off of the wagon by mid-week, and I really started feeling like the Fat-Free Mommy Fraud! I love being able to motivate others to be healthy through my own personal journey, and let’s face it, my journey for pretty much the entire month of August was nothing anywhere close to motivating. In fact, August was the first month in the past year where I made absolutely no progress, in fact, I ended the month 2 pounds heavier than I started. Granted I lost pounds and gained them and lost them again, but that type of yo-yo behavior is ultimately unhealthy and not the kind of life to be lived by the Fat-Free Mommy! So, bye-bye August! In my world of weight-loss you essentially didn’t exist anyway.

Hello September, and hello to the start of the slippery slope to the holidays. It’s funny, how back to school time inspires many to be healthy. Back in my time as a membership director at a fitness facility, I was excited by this time of year because so many new faces started a healthy journey. Ps. It isn’t a coincidence that joining fees are discounted or waved around the August/September time frame, we are onto the behaviors of the yo-yos… At the beginning of summer and at the end, as well as the obvious January motivation, is when people re-dedicate themselves to improving health.

Now that we spend most of our workouts outdoors, we see our fair share of health yo-yos. Sure there are the characters that we see daily, who have come to be welcome constants in our fitness life, but it is the yo-yos that seem to be more vocal in their presence. As if making comments that would otherwise be viewed as somewhat unwelcome or rude, somehow make their workout count just a wee bit more. This past week, we have come across two such encounters with yo-yos. Just. So you know, I take the same paths at the same time on the same days, so therefor I am clearly qualified to dish out a title like yo-yo, equally as clear is my sarcasm in the aforementioned qualifications. It is true that I take the same paths at the same times on the same days, because I am quite vanilla in my routine, but really I am in no place to judge others on their journey of health, but I must share so I will be an internal Judgey McPherson for the time being.

On our daily runs, I push my lovely baby girl and point out birds and other animals, while she laughs and flaps her arms pretending to fly. While pushing I do intervals of running and walking. Regardless of how far or how fast I am going, I will be running three minutes and walking one. It’s how I get through it without wanting to die, and many so called experts suggest that exercising in intervals burns more calories. It really is an amazing workout. I am always a sweaty mess when we reach the end, and I am always energized for the rest of our day. However, onlookers that pass don’t experience how far we go, nor do they get to see the true power of our intervals.

On Friday, a running, and seemingly fit middle aged woman whom we have never seen before, thus our assumption that she is a yo-yo, crossed our path during a walking interval about 6 miles into our 8 mile adventure. I said my normal good morning that goes out to every passerby, and she said to us, “you’re walking? You should run!”. To which my internal dialogue replied, “um hello, I am sweating like a pig and panting like a pug, I was running 24 seconds ago and in 36 seconds I will be doing it again, back off!” Of course externally she just got a smile and nod. As if that encounter wasn’t enough for our week of weirdos, on Saturday during a running interval about 7 miles into our 8 mile adventure, we were stopped at a crosswalk with two middle-aged ladies who are either yo-yos or just beginning their health journey since we have never seen them before either. Well, while idle at the crosswalk for all of 13 seconds, I jogged in place ready to continue the last minute and 22 seconds of my run interval. Once the green walking man came up, we took off, but not before one of the two yo-yos declared, “I bet she never stops to walk.” My internal dialogue replied, “Of course I do, and I will be shortly thank God!” Externally, again just a smile. To both encounters with yo-yos I just want to say, instead of commenting on my workout and potentially comparing your workout to mine, why don’t we use that energy to celebrate the fact that we are all getting an awesomely natural dose of vitamin D while improving our own health in an active way.

Here’s the thing, fitness is personal, health is personal, it’s a journey unique to you. Whether you are on a lifelong path, or a yo-yo type path, at the end of the day it’s your path and the only one who you should ever compare yourself to is… you! Even if you did the exact same workout that I do, in the same conditions, you still wouldn’t have the exact same experience because you aren’t in my body. Sure, I am guilty if secretly racing the person on the bike next to me in spin class, or making goals of passing people on the road, but I, like any good sassy pants mommy, keep my comments to my internal dialogue or to the ears of friends after the fact when the judged are well outside of earshot. To compare and comment is human I suppose, but I know I will try to be much more celebratory instead of snarky in my exercise future. After all, my journey is pretty fabulous because it is my own, and I wouldn’t want to trade it with anyone.

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

Cheater, Cheater, Chocolate PB2 Over-Eater

Week: # 41
Pounds lost: 124.0
Pounds to go (1st goal): 0
Pounds to go (2nd goal): 21.0

Being the Fat-Free Mommy and succeeding on this weight-loss journey to a new and unfamiliar realm of fitness comes with its fair share of happiness and pride. For the most part I am a devout follower of the program I am on which is why I have seen so much weight-loss success. However, I am human, and even I have those days, although extremely few and far between since in the past 9 months this will only be my 2nd time, where I revert to my former fat-girl days and find myself standing in my kitchen over my sink blindly binge eating my worries away. My big cheat this week took the form of Chocolate PB2, which is definitely a healthier version of chocolate peanut butter since it only has 45 calories per serving instead of 200, but when you consume roughly 10 servings in a blinding binge eating food fest, the outcome is the same… I cheated! I immediately regretted the consumption of calories and proceeded straight to the world of fat-girl post-binge guilt and self loathing. But then I got to thinking, yes I cheated, yes that is bad, no I won’t be doing it again anytime soon, but is it worth the mental torture I was about to inflict upon myself? I am going to go with no on this one!

Here’s the thing, when on a healthy weight-loss path, it is definitely important to follow the chosen program to the letter of the law if you expect optimal results. But just like in anything else that we do as humans, the letter of the law is not followed 100% of the time, should it be, well of course, but then we wouldn’t really be acting as humans now would we? There is definitely a spectrum of cheating, each cheating act comes with its own level of consequences. Take driving for example, if you go two or three miles over the speed limit and pass a cop, chances are nothing bad like a speeding ticket is going to happen to you, however if you passed a cop going ten miles over the speed limit you will almost definitely be paying for that “cheat”. Were you following the letter of the law? No! So were there consequences? Of course! Same goes for healthy eating. Did I die or suffer from organ failure by consuming too much low calorie peanut butter? No! But did I end up only losing 0.2 pounds for the week because of it? You betcha! I could be disappointed in my low weight-loss for the week, but that just doesn’t make any sense. I cheated, I ate more than what I should, so of course I didn’t have a typical loss, and you know what? I am ok with that because I know that a) it could have been a lot worse, and b) I will get right back to the letter of the law so I can continue my successful journey.

In my fat-girl days, my binge eating would have taken me to the grocery store for fried chicken, birthday cake, Sunchips, and possibly even a stop through a drive-thru, and that would just be for one over the sink binge fest. This time, yes I binged a bit, but I stopped myself before I took it too far off the path of health. I don’t have junk food in my house, but I didn’t take myself to a place where junk food lived in order to get a fix. Why? Because I know I don’t need it. I know I don’t want it. In fact it didn’t even cross my mind to go to the grocery store or drive-thru. I just wanted some extra chocolate peanut butter! I had it, it was good, and now I am back on track, both mentally and physically.

According to coach, sometimes you will cheat, it isn’t recommended of course, but it may just happen along the way. What makes the difference is not only how far you take the cheat, but also what happens afterwards. If you take the cheat all the way to McDonalds, stop and think what you are doing to your body. Forget the pounds that will be added to the scale because that is just inevitable; instead think about how greasy junk makes you feel. Chances are, if you can stop and think long enough to realize that food that makes you fat is not good for you for a reason, you will stop yourself before your cheat takes you too far. What happens the next day is also what makes the difference. If you have chosen a healthy life path, and have really mentally committed to it, then it will be easy to get right back on the path of health. The key in both is to be mentally aware of what you are doing and the consequences it may have. If you cheat, Madame Scale will remind you that you did the next day. In my case, I cheated, I didn’t go into the day intending to cheat, but it happened, and I knew that Madame Scale was going adjust my weight-loss success that I had for the week due to my overindulgence. No one made me eat the extra PB2, the first serving and the unnecessary ones that followed all tasted exactly the same and I should have stopped myself from blindly binge eating. But I didn’t, and I was mentally prepared for the consequences, which in my book is a success all in and of itself. I have moved on from my fat-girl days of beating myself up over excessive calories and being shocked at weight gain. The delusions that I could out exercise an entire bag of Sunchips are long gone. This time, I held myself accountable for my actions and the next day was a new day to be right back on track. I will be reaching my goal, I will not be self-sabotaging, and even if it takes me a couple of extra weeks because of tempting peanut butter substitutes, so be it. The important thing is that I will be achieving my goals!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

A Shopping Fairytale

Week: #40
Pounds lost: 123.8
Pounds to go (1st goal): 0
Pounds to go (2nd goal): 21.2

This has been a truly amazing week that can only be described as a fairytale come true. So, gather ’round as I welcome you to my true story, The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale Fairytale…

Once upon a time, not too long ago, there lived a princess; they called her Princess Pretty Face Fatty McFatGirl. Her face may have mirrored Snow White, with her jet black hair, rosy lips, and fair skin, but her body belonged in the blubbery category with the likes of Ursula the sea witch foe of Ariel. Dreams of being fit and healthy circled her brain like a hurricane, and no matter what she tried nothing seemed to break the Fatty McFatGirl spell that she was under. Princess Pretty Face wanted nothing more than to wear beautiful clothes and shoes, but she could never fit into the ones she truly wanted.
One day, the queen took the princess to buy a special pair of boots, ones that the princess had always longed for, but after being humiliated with multiple shoe peddlers who gave promises that their boots would fit the biggest of girls, the princess began to believe that no matter what she did, she would never own a pair. She ended that day in tears, knowing that her legs would never squeeze into special boots or skinny jeans for that matter, let alone the dreamy combination.
Years past and the princess met her prince charming and had a little princess of her own. With so much joy and love in her heart, Princess Pretty Face Fatty McFatGirl knew it was time to make her beautiful body dreams come true, and this time with the guidance of her fairy godmother and the support of her kingdom, she began to transform into a new princess. They now called her Princess Fat-Free Mommy, but there was still one problem, she didn’t have any clothes that fit and she still didn’t have a pair of special boots. In truth, she was a bit scared of wearing anything that would fit because she didn’t know her new size and finding it out was a bit terrifying. After spending so long under the Fatty McFatGirl spell and not being able to fit into the clothes she truly wanted, it was hard for her to accept that the day  when she could fit into everything she had always wanted was soon on its way.
Just then, the good fairy Vanessa appeared and invited the princess to a shopping ball called the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Princess Fat-Free Mommy was excited and with the baby princess in tow joined the good fairy for an experience of a lifetime. Vanessa guided the princess through the beautiful racks of clothes and filled a dressing chamber with items the princess never imaged she could wear. They looked at special boots with the help of another good fairy named Demi, and decided to try on a pair. Anxiously the princess started to put on the boots, and instead of them not being able to budge over her blubbery calves, this time they slid on for a perfect fit much like Cinderella’s glass slipper. The princess was overjoyed and began to dance in the middle of the shoe department! Then it was time to try on the beautiful clothes. Nervous and excited, the princess went to her dressing chambers as the kind fairy Vanessa got the baby princess some lunch.
It was time to face the mirror, and we all know the mirror does not lie. So, the princess took a deep breath and started to try things on, and to her pure shock, the fashions did not fit because they were too big! Vanessa fluttered to get smaller sizes and the princess could not believe her eyes! Between dances of joy and sailor-esque cursing in disbelief of her new sizes, the princess started to cry. She had gone from an oversized princess wearing sizes of 20 and above to a healthy princess wearing a size 2 in just 9 months! The 2’s fit snugly, but the good fairy Vanessa and the princess agreed that they would be a perfect comfortable fit once the princess reached her goal weight. The princess couldn’t believe her eyes and was overcome with happiness, excitement, and pride. She filled many bags with clothes and shoes that day, but more importantly she had broken the Fatty McFatGirl spell for good and would go on to live happily ever after in a life filled with health and happiness.

 

So there you have it, my 100% true fairytale, I cleared my closet of the clothes that were too big and filled it with clothes that fit snugly now and will be perfectly comfortable once I reach my goal.

According to coach and fairy godmothers everywhere, an important step to weight-loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is taking time to embrace the new you. It is a mental game, you see yourself in the mirror every day and you may not see yourself the way others do, so it is important to let yourself mentally and emotionally adjust to the new you. Take the time to experience clothes that fit and feel the overwhelming joy that comes along with smaller sizes, but be sure to toss out, or better yet donate the clothes that are too big. That way, you won’t have them on hand in the case of a slip off of the healthy track you are on. Only having clothes that fit the new smaller you will help you stay the new smaller you. I know, for me, I am still in shock over the size I am now, that’s just not what I see when I look at me. After my shopping spree with Vanessa, who I can’t thank enough for how truly wonderful she is, I had a wee bit of an emotional breakdown. I have come so far from where I used to be. I now own skinny jeans and knee high boots, a combination I had convinced myself that I would never be able to pull off, and now I can. I am literally making my own dreams come true and embracing a whole new world of health and happiness, and of course fashion. And you know what that means don’t you? YOU can do it too! Your goals, whatever they may be are 100% achievable, no matter what they are. The difference between dreams and goals is action, you are in control, and you can make your dreams become your reality. Don’t listen to those who say “stop” or “you can’t”. You can, so do it, and don’t stop until you reach your goal!

XOXO,
Fat-Free Mommy

Debby vs. Fat-Free Mommy

Week: #38

Pounds Lost: 120.0

Pounds to go (1st goal): 0.0!!!!!

Pounds to go (2nd goal): 25.0

Ok, first let me express my excitement, pride, and pure joy in the fact that I have reached my first goal!!! This goal was one that at many points in my life I thought was way too far off in the distance to ever be achieved, but I did it! In a little over 8 months I lost 120 pounds!!! I am so excited, and more determined and motivated than ever to reach my ultimate goal, because I know I can and will do it! Heck, I gave birth naturally due to a failed epidural, I can do anything! Ok, happy dance paused and now onto my week.

Living in Central/South Florida certainly has its perks. Disney World is close by, there are excellent zoos, aquariums, museums, and a host of other toddler friendly outdoor activities readily available on the frequent sunny days, and of course the best perk of all… tropical storms and hurricanes. Now of course by perk, when referring to such weather related elements like tropical storms and hurricanes, I mean not a perk at all! If you watch the weather news of Florida at all, you know that Tropical Storm Debby came to town this week and decided to take a two day nap in the Gulf of Mexico which of course meant that those of us who live close by received more than our fair share of wind and rain. Downpours were frequent, wind gusts closed bridges, and in many areas, especially where my little angel and I like to go, flooding closed roads, or at least made the excursion unsafe. On Monday and Tuesday we were banned from getting to the area where we participate in our beloved Baby Bootcamp. Literally, the bridge we take was closed! What’s a gal to do? Well, I put on my big girl panties, which aren’t nearly as big as they once were, and made the best of a disappointing situation and… gasp… changed my routine.

When it comes to exercise, and let’s be honest life in general, I am a planner, a rule follower, one who thrives on routine, yeah I’m a bit vanilla in that sense, but hey I hold myself accountable to me because of my routine-esque nature. I love that every week on Mondays I go for a longer run and then we go to Toddler Yoga, but this week Toddler Yoga had already been cancelled even before Debby flooded the roadways which lead to the doors of the studio. I love that multiple times every week we go to Baby Bootcamp and stroller jalk with some really lovely ladies before class. My routine for me and my little darling, pretty much rocks my world, and to have a week where, for at least a few of the days, my normal routine could not be followed, really made me realize how far I have come. In my fat-girl days, a week like this would have resulted in a whole lot of no exercise due to the excuse of the weather, and potentially a whole lot of binge eating because being indoors for a long period of time always resulted in binge eating. You know those times when there is nothing else to do so why not pop some popcorn and watch a movie, well two
bags of popcorn later and it was onto the peanut butter, or ice cream, or making a batch of brownies and then eating the entire pan. That was life as a fat-girl, blissfully hoping that the 3,000+ calories consumed out of pure boredom, would make the rain storm go away. Since when has eating your face off ever changed the weather? Yeah, it hasn’t… ever, and it won’t…ever! Thankfully those days are long gone.

So, Monday’s rains came and kept coming, but there were small breaks in the rain before my beautiful girl woke up for her day. My ever supportive hubby was still home, so there was my chance, my chance to run, by myself, without a stroller, for the first time. And then, the words that I never thought I would ever say in my past fat-girl life came out, “Babe, I’m going to take advantage of this break in the rain to go for a quick run, ok? Text me when our daughter wakes up”. Did that really just happen? Did I really just make sure to make time to exercise during a tropical storm? Have I officially 100% moved past the “finding time” mentality to the “making time” mentality? Well in the words of my favorite reality star Sarah Palin… You Betcha! (Side note: Say what you will about her in politics, but in reality TV, she’s awesome! I have never wanted to travel to Alaska so badly in my life after her TLC show) And off I ran, and for the most part I really was running because I wanted to get in at least three miles. Again, did I just say that? Who am I? Anyhow, run on I did and halfway through Debby wove her magical rainy wand and on came the next downpour. At first I kept running, the rain was still in its sprinkle stage so I felt ok. Then, once I hit about two miles, the downpour began and it was time to head home to my baby girl. It actually worked out quite perfect; I got in my three miles, and made it home just as my sleeping beauty was opening her eyes. Of course I was drenched, much more from the rain than sweat, so my hubby still had the good morning toddler duties, but I made it, and it felt purely amazing! Tuesday had a similar story of taking advantage of breaks in the weather, Wednesday I took advantage of an indoor Baby Bootcamp that I don’t normally frequent, and by Thursday our routine was back on track. Its funny though, this little jolt in my routine has actually inspired me to make a new routine for us! I know, I know… I’m ridiculous, but hey, it’s what works for me in my little bubble of craziness and sunshine.

According to coach, sometimes with exercise you just have to find ways to make it happen. You can throw in little exercises like squatting to get something instead of bending over, or parking a little further from the entrance of the grocery store to add a little more walking to your day. A whole bunch of little changes in your daily exercise or even daily activities can lead to bigger change, a healthier you! In my case, I like to exercise and I am fortunate enough to have the time to do it on a daily basis, and I make sure that I take advantage of that time, no matter what curve balls of life are thrown my way. In the scripted words of the ever so amazing Dolly Parton (Truvy) from the ultimate chick flick Steel Magnolias, “Oh, honey, God don’t care which church you go, long as you show up!” In this case, your body doesn’t care about where you exercise as long as you get moving!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

Successful Surprises

 

Week: #34

Pounds lost: 107.8

Pounds to go (1st goal): 11.2

Pounds to go (2nd goal): 37.2

Success in life, especially when your life revolves around a toddler, are never scarce. My beautiful girl shows me how she is succeeding in her world daily with her curiosity, growth, and determination, she is exploring and watching her do it is nothing short of amazing. So, her daily successes are not so surprising, praised and exciting, but surprising wouldn’t be a word I would use. However, when it comes to my own successes, most of the time I will surprise myself. This week as we all know was swim suit week. I faced my swim suit demons head on and came out alive, with a swim suit, and wait for it… tears, but not the tears of frustration or disappointment that my sappy self would have normally let fall, this time they were tears of accomplishment and maybe even joy. Did I really just say joy when referring to a swim suit experience, well I suppose I did, and I meant it!

So, the story goes a bit like this… With my angel in tow, I headed to shop for swim wear after a hot an intense workout, maybe not the best plan seeing as though I was dripping with sweat, but hey I had a plan to stick to. We arrived at our local Nordstrom store, which is  my go-to store for everything, and strolled right into the active department. We were greeted by a lovely petite girl, Vanessa, who unknowingly was about to become my shopping day BFF. I told her that I needed to find a swim suit, but first I wanted to buy a different outfit to wear immediately because I was gross, and being gross is just not the way to enter a swim suit dressing room. I had to be in the right state of being, right? I can’t just set myself up for failure. Besides, it was a cute workout outfit that I had been eyeing online for weeks! So, I changed, felt better, and then it was time.

I told Vanessa about a suit online that I thought I would like, and she pulled it from none other than the sale rack! Oh yeah, gold star number one for Vanessa, if I have to buy a dreaded swim suit, it better be on sale! Now, this suit had two sizes left, one that I was confident was my size and the other which was two sizes smaller and I was confident would never be able to hold all the body that I would attempt to squeeze into it. So, I went for the bigger one and she gave me a funny look. I didn’t really think anything of it, and went to face the mirrors. Once I got it on, I realized why she had given me a funny look. This suit was way too big, it would have been obscene to wear it in a pool because nothing would be holding it up. Vanessa checked on me, and I said “I think I need the smaller one” to which she said, “I know you need the smaller one”. Her confidence was certainly nice, but I still didn’t believe that the smaller suit was going to fit. Well, she brought it to me, I took one deep breath, and… it fit! Oh holy hell, it fit! What did the Fat-Free Mommy do next? Why, give Vanessa a huge hug and start to sob of course! Then I purged my weight-loss story to her and oh that poor girl probably went home and told her friends about the crazy mommy crying over fitting into a swim suit. I couldn’t help it though, I was just so proud of myself and how far I had come. I am succeeding in becoming the fit mommy that I want to be and it is amazing to experience.

According to coach, these little dressing room surprises can often be emotional, especially when experiencing extreme weight-loss. The key is, to embrace your success and acknowledge how good you feel in that moment, so that you can repeat that experience and not return to the negative dressing room experiences that often go hand in hand with being on the weight-loss roller coaster. Being committed to weight-loss and health means that you will go in the direction of success and not reverse your path, there are no excuses or passes because you are committed. There is an inspiration that says, “There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you are interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed you accept no excuses, only results.” (Kenneth Blanchard)  I know I am committed to my weight-loss, I see that on the scale, in fact I expect to see success there, but seeing that success in the dressing room is another story. I have never been as small as I am now, and my success sometimes surprises me. Not that I am at all surprised that I am successfully losing weight, but I am surprised when I can fit into things, or when I misjudge my size, or even when I hope that I can run 7 miles and then end up running 8.5 . But surprises be gone! I am committed and nothing is going to stand in my way, including my own self-doubt. So watch out Vanessa, more tears are sure to be on their way, because when I reach my goal weight I am definitely coming back to see you!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy

Summer is here… hooray?

Week: #33

Pounds lost: 102.8

Pounds to go (1st goal): 16.2

Pounds to go (2nd goal): 42.2

Hooray for sunshine! Hooray for a long weekend! But hooray for summer? Doesn’t that mean that in some way I am saying hooray for swim suits? I’m sorry but then I just simply cannot say hooray for summer and have it be an honest tribute to the elated emotion that should be behind a proper hooray. Yes, even after losing over 100 pounds, I still cannot bring myself to feel comfortable in the skin bearing lycra-spandex blend that would be involved in wearing a swim suit. We even went to a pool party to celebrate Memorial Day and I definitely told the hostess, one of my dearest friends in the world, that I was allergic to swim suits. I mean it isn’t an idea that is too far fetched… the idea of wearing a swim suit in front of people or even family brings on enough anxiety to make me twitch or become itchy so I may in fact be allergic to them, granted not likely in the least, but hey for now it works for me.

Now, just because I am allergic to swim suits does not mean that I avoided the pool or that the allergy is in any way hereditary because my beautiful baby girl showed off her little tummy in quite possibly the cutest tankini ever made for a toddler. Oh she was so cute in that little swim suit and her sun hat, seriously she is the cutest, but I digress. Since she can’t swim we stayed by the stairs and the pool was shallow enough that I could get in and just barely get the bottom of my tennis skirt wet. It was great, and she was so happy to be in the water, and I was too. The problem is, that I love swimming but am allergic to swimming suits. Hopefully this allergy will go away soon because I would love to start doing some type of Mommy & Me swim class, but let’s be honest, I don’t even own a swim suit at this point, and going shopping for a swim suit… oh sweet hell, that is just not something that I am mentally prepared for at this time. But why?

While wading in the pool I started thinking about how most women on the planet hate swim suit shopping. It can’t be all due to those unforgiving florescent lights in department store dressing rooms, or the even more unforgiving mirrors. I mean I strip down to my Fat-Free Mommy birthday suit every morning to get on the scale and to my right is a big old mirror, and yet I still do it religiously. So really, what is it about a swim suit? And, whatever the mystique is on why trying on a swim suit is so completely traumatizing, is it worth not letting my beautiful girl experience a Mommy & Me swim class, something that after seeing her joy in the pool today, I know she would thoroughly enjoy? Well, what kind of Fat-Free Mommy would I be if I didn’t put her joy above my insecurities, so yep, that’s right Fat-Free Mommy has a plan. I have registered us for a Mommy & Me swim class that will start the second week of June! That means that between now and then I have to put on my big girl panties, which are becoming less and less big thank goodness, and try on and more importantly buy a dreaded swim suit. Allergy be gone!

According to coach, even though you are having consistent weight-loss success, doesn’t necessarily mean that your mental success is equally as consistent or as successful for that matter. Weight has so many links to mental insecurities both in gaining and losing. The key is that while you are losing weight, address your insecurities head on. Ask yourself why, evaluate the insecurity and, let it go!  In the case of the dreaded swim suit, why is the swim suit making you insecure and is said insecurity worth your time, effort, or sacrifices?  I know that when it comes to my swim suit insecurities, my time and efforts are much more valuably spent elsewhere, and I refuse to sacrifice a joyful experience with my daughter just so that I can let my insecurity win a battle. I am in charge of my choices, and I choose to create as much joy in my daughter’s life as humanly possibly, so watch out swim suit dressing rooms, the Fat-Free Mommy is on her way!

XOXO,

Fat-Free Mommy